How to be More Effective with your goals?
Truth be told, this blog is written after I devoured the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. Excellent book and greatly influenced my approach at writing this blog about our alignment to values and habits that help us achieve our goals. These are very important and often overlooked so I thought I would dig into them deeper! With life throwing so much adversity at us, however we choose to think about it highlights, must motivate and inspire us. Victor Frankl- Man’s Search For Meaning, another favorite book talks a lot about how we find meaning and purpose in this life and goal setting is no different. It makes a lot of sense to me after helping others with their well-being in such dark environments with people - inpatient hospitals, shelters, prisons, foster homes, homelessness these books gave me strength. Between Stimulus and response, relies our response and our power to choices. Lies our growth and happiness. Many endowments we have are uniquely human- self-awareness, imagination, independence, freedom, however if we do not assert these well we are not effective. We must work on our habits as they are within our OWN control. These steps, being proactive, begin with the end in mind, put first things first, think win win, seek first to understand, then to be understood, synergize, and sharpen the saw are all wonderful habits to focus on for goal setting.
From a couples therapist’s lens, the most effective people—both as individuals and partners—demonstrate key traits that foster emotional resilience, relational harmony, and personal growth. These traits are crucial in navigating challenges such as trauma, attachment wounds, addiction, grief, infidelity, and infertility. Below are essential characteristics of effective people in the context of intimate relationships:
1. Emotional Intelligence
Highly effective people recognize, understand, and manage their own emotions while also empathizing with their partner’s emotions. Therefore highly efffective people often surround themselves with people around themselves that match their EI. This does not mean they expect perfectionism, they are adaptable and master compromisers. This includes:
Self-awareness: which is pivotal in recognizing emotional triggers and taking responsibility for personal reactions proactively, repeatedly, and ongoingly without the expectation of others to have to take care of you primarily. Our ego is not so emblazened that we cannot own our own shortcomings. When we make mistakes, we apologize and are open to strategizing better with taking self-responsibility.
Self-regulation: Managing emotional impulses rather than reacting impulsively. This is hard for those impacted by childhood trauma or past trauma wounds, but it is imperative that we strive to have SELF-REGULATION verses LIFE REGULATION, where life must be so regulated to prohibit one from being emotional. We all strive for this, and some are better than others. Please be aware of how you regulate so you can communicate effectively.
Empathy: Attuning to a partner’s needs and emotions without dismissing or minimizing their experience. Some people do not feel empathy right away, sometimes it takes time for that to sink in so being mindful of how you are feeling and how you are perceiving each other can be amazing. I always like to imagine, how would I feel if that was said to my grandmother, if its not kind- make it right.
2. Secure Attachment & Self-Soothing
Highly effective partners have the ability to create emotional security within the relationship while also maintaining independence. They commit and are able to maintain trustworthy relationships and take more than initiative to take care of ourselves, maintain and sustain relationship with others. This requires both independence and connectedness. This is why they engage with interdependence traits that promote connection and community. This includes:
Seeking connection without fear of engulfment or abandonment. Not reactive, relies on foundational values.
Managing emotional distress without relying solely on a partner for emotional regulation. Respond and repair within 24 hours.
Creating rituals of connection, such as check-ins to sharpen the focus on the relationship goals or to spend intentional time together.
3. Open & Assertive Communication
Strongly effective couples communicate proactively, clearly, directly, and respectfully to one another with the win win approach, they know they want to stay with their partner long term and they are not always going to win or find them in a good favor. They are value driven and that is their value system- to have regular communication and connection as both partners truly genuinely desire to learn and stay open to their partner, as they see the end in sight.
This involves:
Using “I” statements rather than blame, shame, guilt, criticising (“I feel overwhelmed” vs. “You never help”) utilizes a proactive approach to planning to mitigate their emotions.
Partnership that is based on the foundation of friendship and trust and commitment. Therefore delineating your relationship as unique, special, and requires energy, time, resources, and turning towards regularly to ensure all needs are met.
Validating a partner’s experience, even if they disagree is life changing for a partnership paradigms verses “I’m in control of you mentality”. Influence matters and deepens merits & integrity for a relationship to strengthen or to grow distant, they dig in and have open and assertive communication.
Practicing active listening with our partnerships—focusing on understanding rather than responding. They are here to understand you first before being understood. Postpone agenda for response until the person completely stops talking.
4. Conflict Resolution & Repair Skills
Disagreements are inevitable and expected with others involved, but highly effective people know how to resolve them quickly and constructively. This includes:
Pausing before reacting in anger. This is life changing and demonstrates the end game in mind, they are a team always, they see both outcomes as win vs win vs one winning over another. Builds trust and commitment. Gottman’s recommend 20 mins- 24 hours so emotional flooding is minimal in the conversation. This is called the Assumption of Similarity, which Gottman’s flesh out in the Rappoport exercise, very helpful for building interpersonal relationship skills with people.
Taking accountability & initiative for personal contributions to self-care and conflict management make it easier to show empathy and compassion.
Practicing equal repair bids (e.g., humor, affection, or a verbal apology) to restore connection.
Making small influential changes to repair by showing acts of love or doing repair intentional actions of altruism or sublimation (i.e. cleaning the house, completing the taxes, mowing the lawn, etc).
5. Growth-Oriented Mindset
This is my go to favorite strength of highly effective couples! Rather than staying stuck in past wounds or patterns, effective partners embrace growth and change by looking to what they can control. They don’t dwell in the negativity or codependency, they work on themselves to benefit the other. They look at their partner’s weaknesses with compassion and love.
Seeing challenges as opportunities for strengthening the relationship proactively. So many young or new relationships are seeking out therapy to proactively combat these negative schemas that they may have saw or experienced growing up, therefore they are active in their growth oriented mindset.
They engage in self-reflection and self-actualization work through therapy or coaching when needed as they find the relationships and experiences of others to be imperative of their learning process. This is interdependence.
More open to feedback without becoming critical to self, defensive of their perspective, or contemptful that their partner sees something they can improve upon.
6. Boundaries & Interdependence
Healthy relationships balance connection and autonomy, the ying and yang of individualization and partnership. Effective people:
Recognize their own needs and communicate them clearly and kindly to their partner in order to convey their needs with empathy.
Allow space for individual interests and friendships outside of them, see it as a strength for the relationship to grow from more connections and strengths. They do not become clingy or controlling.
Respect their partner’s boundaries without guilt, blame, control.
7. Resilience & Adaptability
Highly effective couples facing infertility, infidelity, or major life transitions benefit from resilience. Heck, we all could benefit from more resilience and adaptability. These highly effective couples find shared humanity and self-forgiveness to still find responsibility. Highly effective individuals:
Stay flexible when plans shift. They see it as a closed door and strategiez their choice in plan b.
Work as a team to problem-solve rather than blame.
Seek meaning in challenges rather than dwelling on suffering.
8. Accountability & Integrity
Trust & commitment thrives when both partners take responsibility for their actions. I recommend you propose a 30 day challenge to you both to become conscious of your communication and patterns, begin with the end in mind. This includes:
Following through on commitments. If you cannot, you explain it proactively.
Admitting mistakes and making amends is the lifeline of healthy relationships.
Acting in alignment with core values, even in difficult situations.
9. Emotional Safety & Vulnerability
Strongly effective couples create a space where both partners feel safe being themselves to communicate all feelings, thoughts, fears, and desires without any control or caregiving. This involves:
Expressing fears, desires, and insecurities without shame.
Holding space for difficult conversations without judgment.
Prioritizing emotional and physical safety in interactions. Which is subjective to each partner and the other partner responding to their needs appropriately.
10. Playfulness & Shared Joy
Playfulness and shared joy is so important to effective and healthy relationships. We cannot survive on work alone so these couples:
Cultivate lighthearted moments, even during stressful times, which allows each partner to take care of themselves first and then the relationship and other dependents.
Find ways to connect through shared activities. This is done daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly - these routines for connection of play and joy keep relationships healthy and less in the negative sentiment override zone.
Celebrate successes, big and small, together. Everyone has differing opinions of how to engage with celebrations as it may invoke some inner child feelings- and honoring both partners needs is vital and important so talking about it and sharing the celebrations together can bring a deeper connection.
By cultivating these traits, individuals and couples enhance their emotional well-being, deepening their bonds, and creating lasting, fulfilling relationships. This is so powerful for your individual mental health and your overall family system if you are working on achieving something great together! As always, I’m here for you if you need more support or if you have any more needs for resources, please feel free to check out the free resources here!
