What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder aka NPD is a very challenging and difficult to treat condition, which is why I love working with it. Honestly, it goes along with a lot of the patterns of unhealthy communication and connection within couples. Anytime a partner is acting more selfish- aka narcissistic they can invoke problems within the relationship if they are not able to receive criticism. If you have been following along with my blog, we have been reviewing common personality disorder struggles within relationships, as the dance of NPD and BPD is toxic and and unhealthy to the max. Those impacted by NPD do not come to therapy on their own, typically they are encouraged and brought in by their partners. I treasure working with the symptomology in the couples counseling room as meaningful deep inner child work can be done if you can develop a secure trusted therapeutic rapport to work more intimately to heal the deeply insecure inner child. The ego is very fragile for the NPD and understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Through the Lens of a Couples Therapist can help shed some perspective on relationship components to be aware of.
Navigating the complexities of a romantic relationship is challenging under any circumstances, but when one or both partners exhibit traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the challenges can feel insurmountable at times without outside support. As a couples therapist specializing in trauma and attachment wounds, I’ve witnessed how NPD can affect intimacy, trust, and communication in profound ways, however they are not to be forgotten because they can change through awareness and conscious changes. This blog aims to shed light on NPD from a relational perspective and offer insights for couples who are navigating these dynamics.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
NPD is a mental health condition characterized by patterns of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. While the clinical diagnosis requires specific criteria to be met (as outlined in the DSM-5-TR), many individuals may exhibit narcissistic traits without meeting the full threshold for a diagnosis. These traits can significantly impact relationships, creating cycles of blame, control, and emotional distance. Many individuals struggle with NPD traits and often have other types of traits- Avoidant, Antisocial Personality, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
The Impact of NPD on Relationships
Difficulty with Empathy: A hallmark of NPD is the struggle to understand or validate a partner’s emotions. This can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration for the non-narcissistic partner, who may feel unseen and unheard.
Power Struggles: Partners with NPD often seek control or dominance in the relationship. This dynamic can create an imbalance where one partner’s needs are prioritized at the expense of the other’s. Causing an overabundance of control type behaviors - criticism, blaming anger, irritation, lecturing, accusing, violence, silence, hurt, withdraw, crying, tantrum type behaviors or extreme caregiving, going along to get along, compliance, nice, praise, teaching, and seductiveness.
Emotional Volatility: Narcissistic traits are often accompanied by sensitivity to criticism, which can lead to explosive arguments or stonewalling behaviors when the individual feels slighted. This can be extremely difficult if the other partner has any mental health or personality disorder traits as well as as they may feed off each other’s mood swings.
Cycles of Idealization and Devaluation: Individuals with NPD may oscillate between viewing their partner as perfect (idealization) and deeply flawed (devaluation), similar to how they see themselves as well. Similar to mental health mood swings, this rollercoaster attachment pattern can destabilize the relationship and erode trust over time.
Long term impacts to children and dependents can be robost. Children struggle with low self-esteem, people pleasing, and lack of identity due to the inconsistent caregiving and attachment attunement by their parents.
Common Myths About Individuals impacted by NPD
Myth 1: People with NPD cannot improve
While empathy deficits and self-centered behaviors can make it challenging to maintain healthy connections, individuals with NPD are not incapable of love. Addressing their avoidance tendencies, perfectionism, and sensitivity to criticism is a challenge in therapy, however with the right therapeutic rapport- it can do wonders for the individual and couple who been impacted by trauma attachment wounds. They often struggle with attachment wounds, communication, and emotional regulation that shape how they express and experience affection. This is something that can be worked on consciously over time and make real changes with true intention to care and love someone as they would like to receive love instead of how they were taught love.
Myth 2: Leaving is the only solution when in a relationship with someone with NPD
While some relationships cannot survive the impact of NPD, others can improve with conscious awareness, effort, therapy, and healthy boundaries. It’s essential to assess the unique dynamics of each relationship rather than applying a one-size-fits-all approach. NPD individuals are often in relationships with others who are impacted by attachment wounds and they are often codependent on one another, which makes their symptoms difficult to treat without honest transparency on the diagnosis and issues to be addressed.
Approaching Therapy with Somone impacted by NPD
In therapy, it’s crucial to address both partners’ experiences & needs while fostering an environment of safety and accountability. This is crucial for anyone who has been exposed to childhood trauma wounds and to ensure equitability of space and control in the therapy room. Here are my approaches in couples counseling to help foster safety:
Focus on Attachment: Many narcissistic behaviors stem from deep-rooted fears of abandonment or inadequacy, therefore they do best with understanding inner child work lens. Taking up space in the therapy room is away to control the room, therefore having strong boundaries on the purpose of the exercise and having regular buy in allows for that for both parties. Exploring attachment styles can help both partners understand underlying triggers and patterns in their pain and their joy that can take over the relationship if not conscious of the patterns, that allows them to self- soothe and cope outside of their partner which allows for individualization and attunement abilities better for both parties.
Develop Emotional Regulation Skills: For partners with NPD, learning to manage emotions and tolerate vulnerability is essential. Ensuring they learn their life task, which is to become independent and live harmoniously with others, not win and compete. Teaching them not to rely on their covert or overt control tactics to influence others while gently understanding their needs to meet their own needs.
Exposure and fostering strong boundaries on what can be tolerated and not tolerated is important, sarcasm, passive aggressive comments, and praise and niceness will not tolerated in the space of equitable time and resources to be heard and seen, as they are influential in the process of change.
For the other partner, skills to set boundaries and advocate for their needs are equally important. Time and communication matters and shutting down and going along does not help either party grown and attune correctly.
Foster Empathy: Guided exercises can help individuals with NPD practice perspective-taking, while their partners learn strategies to communicate their needs effectively without triggering defensiveness.
Set Realistic Expectations: Therapy does not “cure” NPD but can improve relational dynamics by addressing harmful patterns and fostering healthier ways of relating. Communication, self-regulation, anger management, and engagement in life grounding purpose providing activities help all parties within the relationship.
Practical Tips for Couples
For the Partner with NPD or NPD Traits:
- Reflect on how your actions impact your partner. You consciously want to think more relational and team approached as you tend to think more selfishly. This can take more time to reflect so go slow.
- Practice active listening and validation, even when it feels uncomfortable to find something to validate in your partner, this emotional task helps grow empathy and emotional awareness of others. Trust me on this. If you like to work out, you understand repetition matters here for muscle growth.
- Engage in individual therapy to explore your own fears and triggers in order to communicate effectively. This helps with combating perfectionism, fear of rejection, and imposter syndrome.
For the Partner Without NPD:
- Never accept abuse or neglectful behaviors that could harm a child, dependent, animal, or your inner child. Therefore, always respect boundaries if someone needs time to cool off.
-Set clear, consistent boundaries and communicate them calmly without embellishment on caregiving or control.
- Avoid taking behaviors personally; watch the movie of the feelings unfold as they need too, they are often rooted in the other person’s insecurities- not your own but they play on your own.
- Prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Work on your own mental health symptoms and ability to regulate yourself in this relationship to help maintaining in a relationship with someone with NPD. Feeding their ego is not helping anyone.
Resources that are so helpful!
Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse Resources
Final Thoughts
Relationships where NPD traits are present require patience, dedication, and often professional guidance as the playing field may feel off. Additionally, as many personality disorders often do - they are rooted in deeply ingrained genetic and environmental factors therefore they may have family systems enmeshed enabling their behaviors and embolding their symptomatology at times. Substance & behavioral misuse, overworking, taking on the world are all wonderful traits of those who fit the mold of NPD, so they are incredible humans who can feel immune to problems within themselves . This can feel like a lot for those impacted by these individuals. As a couples therapist, I’ve seen how understanding and addressing these dynamics can lead to growth and healing for both partners, without shame or blame- just good old fashioned honest awareness and truth. Whether you’re navigating these challenges together or deciding on the best path forward, remember that help is always available, and change is possible with the right support. I am rooting for you!
