When Faith Becomes a Fault Line: Healing Religious Divides in Relationships
Religious & spiritual beliefs are deeply personal, often shaping values, traditions, and worldviews for us individually. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I also build upon this from a social justice perspective as religious and spiritual practices is often reinforced in society in government and political divides. For couples who find themselves on opposite sides of a faith or political divide—whether due to differing religions, risk levels, changes in belief over time, or varying levels of spiritual commitment—this difference can feel like an emotional fault line-sometimes as large and as wide as the Grand Canyon. Left unaddressed, it may lead to resentment, emotional disconnection, or even a crisis of trust within a couple or family system. Through the lens of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we know that differences do not have to be destructive. In fact, couples who learn to navigate religious differences with respect and curiosity can build even stronger, more resilient relationships. Below, we explore practical strategies to maintain emotional closeness while honoring spiritual individuality.
1. Honor the Shared Meaning of Your Relationship
Gottman research emphasizes the importance of creating shared meaning in a relationship. When couples have differing religious beliefs, this may feel like a challenge—but it’s also an opportunity to redefine what faith, values, and connection mean to both partners. I absolutely love to break this down with couples as its often
Questions to Explore Together:
What core values do we share together, even if our religious or spiritual beliefs differ, whats our common core values that we can lean on?
How can we create meaningful rituals that respect both of our spiritual backgrounds, while also respecting our autonomy to take care of ourselves interdependently?
What role does faith play in our relationship, and how do we want it to shape our future together?
Takeaway: Unity doesn’t mean uniformity. Your relationship can thrive when you build shared meaning beyond religious labels—whether that’s through common values like kindness, health, service, or gratitude, it will allow you to come closer while protecting individual differences.
2. Shift from Judgment to Curiosity
When faith differences create tension, it’s easy to fall into criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling—what Dr. John Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen" of relationship breakdown. Instead of debating who is “right” or “wrong,” shift into curious inquiry. Righteousness can be a form of control and codependency, therefore we can not judge others without shaming them and inadvertently ourselves. This is a tough pill to swallow for many who were not granted permission to make their own decisions, which often perpetuates an all or nothing belief; win or lose, which causes people to pull away from one another.
Try This:
Instead of saying: "I don’t understand how you can believe that!"
Try: "Tell me more about what that belief means to you."
Instead of saying: "I wish you were more religious (or less religious)."
Try: "How does your faith (or lack of faith) bring meaning to your life?"
Try: "I like hearing your perspective and learning about your faith, and I also value my own perspective and appreciate you allowing space for it with your view here as well."
By replacing judgment with curiosity, partners create psychological emotional safety, making it easier to have difficult conversations without emotional shutdown & flooding.
3. Respect Each Other’s Bids for Connection
Gottman’s research on bids for connection shows that small moments of attention and attunement build emotional trust. If a partner expresses a desire to share their spiritual or religious experiences—whether it’s a prayer, a holiday tradition, vaccinnation preferences, or a philosophical discussion—turning toward rather than away is key to success!
Examples of Turning Toward vs. Away:
Turning Toward: "I may not share your same belief, but I’d love to hear why this is important to you."
Turning Away: Ignoring or dismissing their religious practices as unimportant. Judging their religious preferences as less than superior than yours.
Even if one partner doesn’t personally engage in a religious practice, small gestures of support—can be truly validating. Such as attending an annual holiday service together, asking thoughtful questions, or simply listening—can foster emotional closeness over time.
4. Develop a Conflict Management Plan for Religious Differences
Religious differences may trigger perpetual conflicts—issues that don’t have a clear resolution but can be managed successfully with the right tools. Gottman’s approach to managing conflict focuses on compromise, emotional regulation, and deep understanding.
Steps for Navigating Faith-Based Disagreements:
Identify Core vs. Flexible Beliefs: What aspects of your faith (or lack thereof) are non-negotiable, and where can you find flexibility here with me?
Use “I” Statements: Instead of “You never support my beliefs,” try, “I feel alone in my faith journey, and I’d love to share more of it with you if you are ok with it.”
Create Boundaries Around Hot-Button Topics: If certain religious discussions always lead to conflict, agree to revisit them only in calm, constructive settings such as in Executive Meeting or in Therapy.
Focus on Emotional Connection Over Intellectual Agreement: You don’t have to believe the same things to love, respect, and support each other deeply. Diversity is the spice of life.
5. Build a Relationship Legacy of Love and Acceptance
At the heart of effective Couples connection- Gottman Method approach is the belief that healthy couples create a legacy together—a relationship built on trust, admiration, and a deep sense of partnership. Couples with differing faiths can still:
Raise children with shared values of kindness, curiosity, and respect that value shared perspectives of faith and spirituality.
Celebrate and honor each other’s spiritual or non-spiritual practices with traditions and rituals of connection.
Model emotional intelligence, showing that love transcends religious labels, is profound for secure attachment and self-worth.
Faith should not be a fault line that divides; it can be a bridge that deepens understanding. When couples commit to open communication, mutual respect, and emotional safety, religious differences can become an opportunity for greater connection—not conflict. If you get stuck along the way, please reach out to me for support!
