The Heart Behind the Armor
Law enforcement and military couples in 2025 continue to face unique, relationship challenges, many of which are exacerbated by the evolving demands of their professions, societal shifts, and the lasting impacts of global events. I have been feeling the weight for our soldiers, sailors, pilots, and law enforcement officials as of late. I thought it might be helpful for some to read more to be aware to support our clients & loved ones. Here are some key issues from my couples therapist’s perspective:
Cumulative PTSD & Moral Injury
Both military and law enforcement personnel experience chronic exposure to traumatic events. Research in 2025 highlights how cumulative PTSD—not just from singular traumatic incidents but from prolonged exposure—impacts attachment bonds, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution abilities for their relationships both professionally and personally. If we examine this further, we see that many of those in armed services, law enforcement, government border patrol entered the field due to having traits that would thrive in this environment, possibly due to genetic and environmental components.
Moral injury (when they feel they've violated their ethical/moral code) leads to emotional numbing, avoidance, and guilt that affects intimacy and communication.
Potential Treatment Solutions:Intervention: Polyvagal-informed therapy
Help clients understand nervous system regulation and how trauma impacts their ability to feel safe in relationships.
Use co-regulation techniques (slow breathing, grounding exercises, safe touch) to help partners reconnect.
Normalize moral injury’s impact on shame and withdrawal—help partners express their pain without feeling judged.
Couples Exercise:
"Window of Tolerance Check-In"—Each partner rates their stress level on a scale from 1-10. If one is above 7, they agree to self-soothe first before attempting deep discussions.
High Emotional Burnout & Compassion Fatigue
Law enforcement officers and military personnel are experiencing higher rates of burnout due to increased public scrutiny, resource shortages, and prolonged unexpected deployments, which adds to their high emotional burnout and compassion fatigue rates. This impacts their overall mental health, however it deeply impacts their relationships.
Emotional depletion often leads to emotional shut down in relationships—partners feel like they are "running on empty" or “checked out when they are here” making it difficult to give to their spouse or family.
Intervention: Gottman’s "Stress-Reducing Conversation"
Teach partners how to debrief without retraumatizing each other.
Encourage "emotional buffering"—partners can set a time limit (10-15 minutes) to vent about work stress, then transition to non-work-related connection.
Couples Exercise:
"Shift Change Ritual"—Before engaging with family after work, the officer/service member practices a 5-minute grounding routine (e.g., deep breaths, shower, short walk) to reset before interacting with their partner.
Increased Hypervigilance & Work-Home Role Conflicts
Neurobiological evidence shows hypervigilance disrupts relational safety. Officers and service members struggle to "turn off" tactical awareness, leading to rigid protection or servelleience type of checks for their partner, parenting styles, controlling behaviors, or avoidance of social interactions secondary.
Spouses often report that their partner is emotionally physically present but psychologically absent.
Confusion and dissociation are high, often causing secondary memory issues.
Lack of play, rest, restoration type behaviors- they tend to lean into high cortisol, high adrenaline activities.
Intervention: Somatic-based therapy
Help partners decrease body tension through progressive muscle relaxation or yoga-based movement.
Address rigidity in roles—help the officer/service member transition from "protector" to "partner."
Couples Exercise:
"Safe Zones"—Create designated stress-free spaces in the home where work talk is off-limits.
"Soft Eyes Practice"—Instead of scanning for threats, encourage couples to practice making eye contact for 30 seconds to build emotional connection.
Infidelity & Emotional Affairs (Digital & AI-Based)
The rise of AI companionship, digital infidelity, and online emotional affairs are a growing concern in 2025, especially among partners who experience emotional disconnection due to long work hours or deployments.
Long distances and late and long shifts can make the ability to engage in infidelity and emotional affairs easier.
Research shows that stress-related impulse control issues increase risk-taking behavior, making law enforcement and military couples vulnerable to relational betrayal components when feeling disconnected.
Intervention: Betrayal Trauma Recovery Model
Address attachment wounds caused by emotional withdrawal.
Discuss the "Intimacy Pyramid"—ensure physical intimacy isn’t replacing emotional vulnerability.
Couples Exercise:
"Technology Boundaries Agreement"—Discuss and agree on limits for social media, AI interactions, and private messaging to prevent secrecy.
"30-Minute Connection Time"—A daily ritual where partners put away phones and intentionally connect before bed with the intention to connect both emotionally and physically.
Addiction & Maladaptive Coping (Alcohol, Porn, Gambling)
As of 2025, there is an uptick in behavioral addictions—particularly pornography, gambling, and online escapism—as a way to self-soothe from job-related stress.
Physical athleticism and exercise is greatly prioritized in this field, therefore it is incentivized in the cultures. This can be enhanced if there are any obsessive compulsive or body dysphoric issues and can play into the jealousy and insecurity associated with increase physical activities.
Substance use, particularly alcohol, continues to be a common maladaptive coping strategy but is evolving into more discreet forms, such as micro-dosing, vaping, or prescription medication misuse.
Intervention: Harm Reduction & Trauma-Informed Recovery
Instead of immediate abstinence, encourage self-awareness and harm reduction strategies.
Address underlying trauma rather than just the behavior.
Couples Exercise:
"Check-In Statement"—The partner struggling with addiction uses one sentence per day to reflect on their emotional state (e.g., "I felt triggered today but didn’t numb out").
Accountability Contracts—For couples impacted by porn or gambling addiction, use transparency agreements to rebuild trust.
Disconnection Due to Dual First-Responder Stress
Many law enforcement and military couples are dual-career first responders, meaning both partners experience job-related trauma.
Research shows these couples have a higher rate of emotional flooding and conflict avoidance, leading to intimacy and communication breakdowns.
Traditional stress-relief strategies (like debriefing together) can turn into trauma dumping, which further isolates them from emotional closeness as they go back and forth between caregiving and control.
Intervention: Parallel Processing in Therapy
When both partners experience trauma, use mirroring techniques to help them validate each other rather than shut down.
Implement turn-taking dialogue to prevent both partners from emotionally flooding at the same time.
Couples Exercise:
"Who Needs the Most Support Today?"—A daily check-in where the couple identifies who is most emotionally drained and allows that person to receive extra support.
Financial Strains & Unpredictability
While these careers often provide financial stability, government shutdowns, political uncertainty, recruitment shortages, and retention legal issues are creating financial uncertainty in 2025.
Overtime and side jobs are part of the culture, which often creates “feast or famine” mentality with financial strains.
Military and law enforcement spouses are struggling with job instability at a higher rate due to the job market and current economy as of the writing of this blog, childcare access, and inflation-related living stress, leading to increased conflict about financials which can be very challenging on a couple.
Intervention: Values-Based Financial Planning
Help couples shift focus from financial stress to shared values (e.g., security, adventure, family stability).
Encourage long-term financial planning to prepare for potential job shifts.
Couples Exercise:
"Financial Date Nights"—Set a time each month to discuss financial goals in a relaxed setting without stress.
"50/50 Planning"—Couples list short-term (1 year) and long-term (5-10 years) financial goals to align expectations.
Chronic Sleep Disruptions & Impact on Relational Attachment Is Real
The impact of shift work, night shift, rotating schedules, and poor sleep hygiene is well-documented as a predictor of higher conflict, emotional dysregulation, and decreased sexual intimacy in a romantic relationship. This is very much real and the reason they get differential pay for this type of work.
Many couples will share with me that they consciously made the decision to opt out of this type of work eventually to chose family, relationships, and normalized schedules for their overall health and their relationships.
Sleep deprivation leads to cognitive distortions, such as assuming negative intent from a partner, which exacerbates fights, feelings of isolation, and hopelessness when not connected.
Intervention: Sleep Hygiene & Relationship Protection Strategies
If one partner is on shift work, encourage intentional micro-moments of connection (e.g., leaving notes, voice memos, brief hugs before leaving).
Discuss sleep arrangements openly (e.g., separate sleeping for rest, but intentional connection before bedtime).
Couples Exercise:
"10-Minute Pillow Talk"—Even if schedules don’t align, the couple spends 10 minutes in bed together to connect before sleeping separately.
"Touch Before Sleep"—Encourage non-sexual physical touch for 2-3 minutes before sleep to maintain emotional closeness.
Struggles with Reintegration & Transitioning Out of Service
Retiring from or transitioning out of military/law enforcement is linked to identity crises, depression, and relational distance as its a form lifestyle profession where you rely on your job for more than just a job, a culture, almost like a parent embraces a child for life.
Spouses often report feeling like they are married to a "different person" post-service due to shifts in personality, purpose, and coping mechanisms. They knew what they were doing before but without the chain of command, they struggle with their identity.
Intervention: Meaning Reconstruction Therapy
Help transitioning officers/service members grieve the loss of their professional identity while rebuilding a new purpose.
Normalize feelings of depression, isolation, and purposelessness post-career.
Couples Exercise:
"Mission & Purpose Reframe"—Partners list how their skills (leadership, service, discipline) translate into their post-career life.
"Shared Future Vision"—Develop a bucket list together to refocus on joint goals post-retirement.
Public Scrutiny & Social Isolation
Law enforcement and military families are increasingly facing public criticism, political tension, and social stigma. They have it incredibly challenging and often fear disclosing their personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities for fear of being demoted.
This leads to self-imposed isolation, a lack of emotional support outside of work, and decreased help-seeking behaviors, which can be deadly for their mental health and feelings of connectedness to loved ones.
Intervention: Community & Peer Support Integration
Encourage couples to build relationships with other law enforcement/military couples to counteract isolation.
Use narrative therapy to help them reframe negative public perceptions.
Couples Exercise:
"Safe Support System List"—Identify 3-5 trusted people (mentors, friends, colleagues) they can turn to for support.
"Social Reset Plan"—Make a plan to engage in one social activity per week outside of work.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is an armed branch of services or law enforcement or you yourself are struggling, please feel free to reach out to me for any resources or questions. I would be happy to assist you with building relationship and communication skills.
