Why can Romantic Love be so scary for some of us? Even Toxic?
Valentine’s Day always brings out the love or hate for romantic relationships for some depending on their perspective of their relationship. Toxic relationships can be incredibly compelling, often mimicking the emotional highs and lows of passionate romantic love at first, that may have been observed in our family homes, in our media we consume, and our overall culture. From a couples therapist’s perspective, grounded in evidence-based approaches, the appeal of these relationships can be explained through neurobiology, attachment theory, and trauma responses. Its imperative for one’s well-being that they surround themselves with good influences and if you attach to someone who isn’t good for you, it can turn toxic very quickly.
Neurobiological Basis: The Chemical Cocktail of Love & Chaos
Romantic love activates the brain’s reward system, releasing a surge of dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, fostering feelings of euphoria, attachment, and pleasure. However, toxic relationships—especially those marked by intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable affection and rejection cycles)—trigger a similar chemical response, leading to addiction-like patterns.
Dopamine & Intermittent Reinforcement: Just like gambling, chocolate, and sex, unpredictable rewards (affection after conflict) cause dopamine spikes, reinforcing the idea that “if I just try harder, I'll get the love I crave.” This cycle makes leaving difficult, and feeling loved is what you are seeking.
Cortisol & Stress Response: The highs of reconciliation feel even more intense after a fight due to prolonged cortisol (stress hormone) exposure, which primes the body for emotional survival.
Oxytocin & Trauma Bonding: Oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," is released during intimate moments, even in unhealthy dynamics, strengthening attachment despite the presence of toxicity.
Attachment Wounds & Early Conditioning
From an attachment-based lens, individuals with insecure attachment (anxious or avoidant) may find toxic relationships familiar, even comforting. If you read my prior blogs, many personalities struggle with insecure attachment and it can be inconsistent. If love in childhood was conditional, chaotic, or unavailable at times, they may unconsciously seek similar patterns in adulthood, believing love must be "earned" through endurance or sacrifice.
Anxious Attachment: Craves validation and fears abandonment, making them susceptible to partners who provide inconsistent affection.
Avoidant Attachment: Equates intimacy with loss of autonomy and may engage in toxic push-pull dynamics.
Disorganized Attachment: May be drawn to relationships that mirror past trauma, as chaos feels familiar.
The Trauma Bond: Why It’s Hard to Let Go
Toxic relationships often create trauma bonds, a deep attachment formed through cycles of emotional pain and reward, which can be devastating on a person’s individual health. This is reinforced by:
Hyperarousal: The fight-or-flight response heightens emotional intensity, confusing fear/anxiety with love.
Stockholm Syndrome-Like Effects: The brain associates relief after conflict with deep connection.
Cognitive Dissonance: The belief that "this relationship has so much potential" leads individuals to rationalize harmful behaviors.
Why It Feels Like Love (Even When It’s Not)
The unpredictable nature of toxic relationships mirrors the excitement and intensity of early-stage romantic love. This confusion is furthered by:
Romantic Idealization: Media often portrays tumultuous relationships as “passionate,” reinforcing the idea that love should be intense rather than stable.
Self-Worth Tied to the Relationship: When a toxic partner validates them, it feels euphoric, reinforcing the cycle. They literally feel they are not worthy without being in a relationship. This is where it can be unsafe for someone. They could struggle with suicidality or homicidality if they do not see a way out of this situation. Help is always here, so please reach out if you are experiencing any of these symptoms.
Therapeutic Interventions To Help Discern
As a couples therapist, interventions include:
Psychoeducation: Teaching clients about the neurochemical and attachment-based pull of toxic relationships so they can be aware of the way it may feel.
Somatic Awareness: Helping clients recognize their body’s stress responses as red flags.
Cognitive Reframing: Challenging distorted beliefs around love and suffering.
Building Secure Attachment Strategies: Encouraging relationships built on consistency, safety, and mutual respect.
Ultimately, helping clients break free from toxic cycles requires rewiring their understanding of love—shifting from chaos-driven passion to secure, stable connection. This may feel odd, foreign, or wrong at first, so being prepared helps. If you need any support on discerning whether you are in a healthy relationship for yourself, please reach out!
