Are we compatible if it’s hard to connect meaningfully?

Navigating Sensory Sensitivities in Neurodiverse Couples can be challenging for everyone, feeling connected to self and others. I wanted to review some evidence-based strategies for early identification, solutions, and approaches that can help build connection without shame! Neurodiverse couples often bring unique strengths and challenges to their relationships. One of the common but less discussed challenges is navigating sensory sensitivities, particularly in the context of sensory restriction and overload which many individuals struggle with if they experience mental health or neurotypical processing factors. Research has shown that sensory processing differences can significantly impact emotional regulation, communication, and intimacy in relationships (Robertson & Baron-Cohen, 2017). By understanding these differences and implementing evidence-based strategies, couples can foster deeper connection and support each other’s needs effectively.

Identifying Sensory Processing Differences in Neurodiverse Couples

Sensory processing differences exist on a spectrum, with individuals experiencing either heightened sensitivity (sensory overload) or reduced sensitivity (sensory restriction) in response to stimuli such as light, sound, touch, taste, or smell. If one partner is on one spectrum and the other is on the other, at the beginning this novelty may feel magical but at times can be very disruptive, and over time may need more support as the oxytocin wears off. Identifying these differences is the first step in supporting one another in a loving way! I know I feel these overload and restriction several different times a week, month, and year and my partner being attuned and aware has been very helpful for our connection.

Signs of Sensory Overload:

• Heightened sensitivity to noises, textures, lights, or smells

• Feeling overwhelmed in crowded or noisy environments

• Difficulty focusing due to external sensory input

• Irritability, anxiety, or withdrawal in response to excessive stimuli

Signs of Sensory Restriction:

• Seeking strong sensory input (e.g., deep pressure, bright lights, or loud sounds)

• Difficulty recognizing or responding to subtle sensory cues

• Reduced emotional expression due to limited sensory awareness

• Engaging in repetitive movements (stimming) to increase stimulation

Couples can assess their sensory profiles using tools like the Sensory Profile (Dunn, 1999) or the Adolescent/Adult Sensory Profile to gain insight into their unique processing patterns.

Evidence-Based Approaches to Solutions

1. Sensory Integration Therapy

Occupational therapy incorporating sensory integration techniques can help individuals regulate their sensory experiences. This therapy focuses on gradually exposing individuals to stimuli in a controlled manner to build tolerance and adaptability (Schaaf & Davies, 2010). This is so incredibly helpful to do in a therapeutic space, however with safety you could

2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT can help neurodiverse couples reframe their perceptions of sensory experiences and develop coping strategies to manage distress associated with sensory sensitivities (Wood et al., 2009).

3. Mindfulness and Self-Regulation Techniques

Research supports mindfulness-based interventions in reducing sensory distress. Practices such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and grounding exercises can help individuals regulate their nervous system responses (Kabot et al., 2018).

Strategies for Couples to Support Each Other

1. Open Communication:

   • Use direct, kind, nonjudgmental language to discuss sensory needs, (i.e. “That feels good to me”…or “Can we try this a different way?”)

   • Go slow, no shaming, blaming, or guilting anyone into doing anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.

   • Establish a shared language for discussing overload or restriction (e.g., using a traffic-light system: green for comfortable, yellow for tolerable, red for overwhelming).

2. Customized Environments:

   • Modify living spaces to accommodate both partners’ needs (e.g., using noise-canceling headphones, temperature monitored, adjustable lighting, or weighted blankets).

   • Create designated “low-stimulation” zones at home for decompression that promotes peace.

3. Predictability and Routine:

   • Structure daily routines to minimize unexpected sensory disruptions.

   • Plan outings with sensory needs in mind, opting for low-stimulation environments over high stimulation factors.

4. Regulating Intimacy and Physical Affection:

   • Establish consent-based physical touch preferences. This changes every day for some and therefore having conversations regularly can help, especially for women as their cycles can fluctuate sensory symptoms. 

   • Use alternative forms of affection, admiration, and fondness such as verbal affirmations or deep-pressure hugs for partners with tactile sensitivities or meal planning and executive functioning support so they can feel less overwhelmed.

5. Collaborative Problem-Solving:

   • Develop joint coping strategies for handling high-sensory environments. This allows us to feel connected while also self-soothing, promotes co-regulation and interdependence.

   • Regularly check in to adjust strategies as needed. This is where I lean in on the Gottman protocols to build in the natural routines to check in and attune 

Conclusion

By identifying sensory processing differences, utilizing evidence-based treatments, and fostering mutual understanding, neurodiverse couples can enhance their relationship connection, intimacy and communication dynamics. Supporting each other through sensory challenges not only strengthens the partnership but also creates a more inclusive and compassionate relationship environment for the entire family. Seeking professional guidance from therapists trained in neurodiversity-affirming practices can further empower couples in their journey toward harmony and connection. The most important thing to do is not shame each other and know its because some sensory aspects make us feel uncomfortable in our bodies. If you need any support with working on your sensory components in your relationship, feel free to reach out!