The Unique Challenges of Step Parenting: Tips from the Trenches
Listen. Parenting in any form or model is not for the faint-of-heart. When you take on the task of raising small humans: responsibility for their mental, emotional, and physical health and wellbeing from birth for the next eighteen-plus years, you better be prepared to be tested beyond anything you’ve experienced up to that point. Anyone who is paying attention already knows this.
Stepparenting, a topic very much on my mind lately, (if you haven’t already noticed) is uniquely tough. Lacking the physical and hormonal bonds forged at birth and the earlier years, and often entering a child’s life after some period of grief or chaos, can be daunting to be a stepparent. They often have to tread ever-so-carefully to avoid stepping on sore places, and bio parents’ toes and parenting styles. Again, not for the faint of heart.
But also: Stepparenting can be so rewarding! With care and love, lots of affirmation, and a sloooooow steady approach, that refuses to take offense at a child’s emotionally charged words or behaviors; you can, over time, build a beautiful relationship with your new partner’s child/ren. Those bonds and attachments build resiliency and support systems if healthy so only aiding your child’s social supports. So let’s take a look at a few of the unique challenges that stepparents face, and talk about some strategies for meeting and overcoming those challenges.
Check Your Expectations
Let’s start with YOU: now is the time to take a long hard look at your expectations, your hopes and dreams for these new relationships, your fears, etc. Grieve them and articulate them but do not let them be in control. Try to hold all that very loosely. Building trust takes time and patience. If you start out with too much pressure on yourself to be the Perfect Parent and have Perfect Relationships with your bonus kids, you are going to make yourself miserable– and them, too. Be present, listen actively, and show genuine interest in both your and your bonus child's lives. Resist those sneaky feelings of shame, inadequacy, and Imposter Syndrome (). Stay curious and playful, that may even most with yourself.
Keep Communication Open
Ok, the next line of defense: is your relationship with your partner. Communication in a relationship is always extremely important, but even more so when your relationship involves multiple facets of the relationship blending everyone’s unique needs. Understanding your partner’s background, parenting techniques and challenges, priorities for their kid, and their comfort level with your direct involvement in parenting is so important for this dance. Find common ground in your parenting styles and work as a team, always first before anything else. This is where Gottman’s recommend compromise of any core parenting needs, which is often overlooked in the beginning when things are more differentiated. If the child senses a calm steady partnership between you and their parent, it makes it so much easier for emotional trust to grow between you and the child.
No-Pressure Trust-Building:
And now, the kiddo in question. One very important thing is to protect any relationship they have with the other bio parent. You want to avoid at all costs making the child feel any clash of loyalties. You’re the newbie, you will probably lose that contest. And it’s not fair to the child to put them in a situation where they feel that they have to choose. Make sure they feel welcome in your home and loved and accepted just the way they are– no pressure to demonstrate any sort of “performative affection” towards you in order to be safe. You want to create as many positive interactions and memories as you possibly can, every time you have the opportunity.
Remember, this is a legitimately tough challenge! So please reach out for support, educate yourself, and find a network with role models! This is not a process you just want to be “winging it” on. There are some wonderful books and other resources out there:
Good Books For Parents
Psychology Today offers a helpful filter for family systems and family therapy, allowing you to ask questions tailored to your experience with blended families. Along with these web resources that provide insightful tips and ideas, you'll find valuable support for navigating this unique journey.
And you can follow me along MY journey in blending my family, too. It’s shaping up to be a fantastic, life-changing adventure!
