The Importance of Boundaries for a Successful Recovery

May 16

We started our series on addiction/compulsion in April; National Alcohol Awareness Month. And now it’s May: National Mental Health Awareness Month. I think it’s fitting that our series bridges these two recognitions, since nurturing mental health is so vital for successful addiction recovery. So far we’ve discussed how to rewire your reward system with healthier forms of “escape” and stimulation, the role of taking time to find clarity and appreciate the long view of your progress in recovery, and laid out some practical steps for how to Build a Well-Designed Life. Today I want to talk about something equally important, but actually sometimes difficult to define and discuss. Boundaries.

The concept of boundaries might sound restrictive (when applied to yourself), or even cruel (when applied to others). But in mental health, as in the rural countryside, “Good fences make good neighbors”. Clear healthy boundaries create a safe space for you and your relationships to grow, protected from unacceptable and dangerous behaviors and influences– your own and other people’s.

Addiction often breaks or blurs healthy boundaries, leaving us vulnerable to manipulation (outside influences) and relapse triggers (inner influences).

Re-establishing both internal boundaries (your personal limits that guide your thoughts, feelings, and actions) and external boundaries (the lines you draw with others to define what's acceptable and what's not) is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and protecting your recovery process. Perhaps if you think of these boundaries more like a protective membrane around a vulnerable, growing organism, and less like an intimidating wall, it might help.

Setting Boundaries with Others: Communication is Key

Addiction can create a pattern of codependency in your relationships. In codependent relationships, boundaries are often weak or nonexistent. People in codependent relationships that are impacted by addiction may enable addictive behavior, take on excessive responsibility, or avoid expressing their needs for fear of triggering a relapse. The Gottman Institute offers valuable insights on setting healthy boundaries with loved ones struggling with addiction:

Focus on "I" statements: Express your needs and feelings in a non-accusatory way. For example, "I feel worried when you..." instead of "You're always making me anxious."
Set clear and concise expectations: Clearly communicate what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. For instance, "I can't be around you if you've been drinking."
Be prepared to follow through: If a boundary is crossed, enforce the consequences you've outlined. This shows your loved one you're serious about protecting yourself and your well-being.
Practice empathy: Acknowledge the challenges your loved one faces. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you don't care – it demonstrates your commitment to their long-term health.
Seek professional support: Consider couples or family therapy to develop healthy communication skills and address underlying issues in your relationships.

Setting Boundaries for Yourself: Protection from Triggers

Internal boundaries may sound counter-intuitive. How can you protect yourself from… YOURSELF? But that really is the whole point. When a trigger occurs, your old self, your old habits and habitual responses are your own worst enemy. You need boundaries to protect the new you, from what the old you would do:

In Certain Places: Bars, casinos, or even certain rooms within your own home associated with past use.
Around Some People: Formerly using companions or those who create a high-pressure environment.
During Specific Activities: Activities linked to past substance use, like going to parties or watching certain movies.
To Avoid or Appease Emotions: Stress, boredom, or loneliness can trigger a craving.

Once you identify some of these potential triggers, establish boundaries to minimize your exposure or create a new response. These new habits may involve avoiding certain places or people, scheduling activities that promote well-being, and DEFINITELY work on developing healthy coping mechanisms for difficult emotions.

Here are a few bonus tips for setting boundaries:

Practice saying "no". It's okay to politely decline invitations or requests that could jeopardize your sobriety.
Be assertive, not aggressive. There's a difference between being clear about your needs and being pushy or demanding.
Be patient. It takes time to develop healthy boundaries and even longer for others to respect them.
Seek professional help. A therapist can help you develop healthy communication skills and practice setting boundaries in a safe environment.

Remember: Setting boundaries isn't about punishment or isolation– for yourself or for your people. It's about self-care and creating a safe space for your recovery to flourish. There may be pushback initially, but anyone who truly cares about you will understand and respect your boundaries in the long run. You are worth the effort.

Here are some additional resources: