Not Crazy, Just a Little Unwell: Hope for Anxious Partners
Relationships are built on trust. We know this: sitcoms, romcoms, and novels from guilty-pleasure “smut”, all the way to the classics of Austen and Shakespeare have taught us this for millennia.
So for those of us who’ve learned that trust can be dangerous, is there no hope for a stable, healthy relationship? If we’ve learned to keep our guard up and our eye on the nearest exit, can we ever attain the level of vulnerability and intimacy that are the hallmarks of a healthy, growing relationship? Are we doomed to ‘lone-wolf-it’ through our entire lives?
Not at all. First of all, the human capacity for growth and change is pretty much limitless, given the right tools and the right environment. Secondly, we are BORN knowing how to trust, and we LEARN not to; usually for the sake of our safety. Childhood environments, traumatic relationships in our teens or young adulthood, the betrayal of a lover or close friend– these things gradually teach us to protect ourselves by always expecting the worst.
So learning to trust again is actually a function of returning to our natural instincts and calming our nervous systems to their original state of peaceful reliance on our tribe and our partner. If you are someone who is attempting this re-education of yourself, bravo! And please know that you are not alone. Studies show that anxiety disorders impact millions globally, often affecting relationships. It's crucial to understand that this isn't a personal failing, but a shared challenge you can overcome with compassion and support.
Since I’ve been looking at this topic from the angle of a couple’s therapist lately, through my recent Gottman Couples Therapy training, let's delve into some of the realities of living with anxiety as a couple.
One partner's anxiety can impact both through painful feedback loops and habitual reactive responses. Fear, worry, and avoidance behaviors can affect communication, intimacy, and trust. Your partner might crave constant reassurance, withdraw emotionally, or struggle with expressing needs clearly. It's vital for both to acknowledge these patterns without judgment and approach them with empathy and a problem-solving mindset. Recognizing the patterns is the first step to change.
Here's where the Gottman Method comes in. Its key concepts can be your guiding light:
1. Build a foundation of friendship and respect.
Remember, you're teammates, not adversaries. Actively listen, validate feelings, and appreciate small gestures of love.
2. Master the art of "turning towards" each other.
When anxiety rears its head, resist the urge to withdraw. Instead, reach out with genuine curiosity and understanding. Ask open-ended questions, offer support without judgment, and be present for your partner's emotions.
3. Communicate effectively. ️
Express your needs assertively while respecting your partner's feelings. "I statements" ("I feel hurt when..." instead of accusatory "you" statements) can be powerful tools. Remember, healthy communication involves both talking and listening actively.
4. Nurture emotional intimacy.
Share dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities to deepen your connection. Physical touch, acts of service, and quality time can also strengthen your bond. Remember, intimacy isn't just about sex; it's about creating a safe space for emotional connection.
5. Seek professional help.
If you're struggling, don't hesitate to seek guidance from a therapist trained in couples therapy, especially one familiar with anxiety disorders. A therapist can provide valuable tools and strategies to navigate challenges and build a stronger relationship.
Now, remember, this journey requires patience and resilience. There will be setbacks, but focusing on progress, not perfection, is key. Celebrate small victories, acknowledge efforts, and remind each other that with commitment, your bond can weather any storm.
I want to leave you with this thought: While anxiety can add complexity to your relationship, it can also be an opportunity for deeper understanding, empathy, and growth. By facing challenges together, learning effective communication skills, and seeking support, you can emerge stronger, closer, and more connected than ever before. Remember, you've got this, and you're not alone!
Here are some resources to get you started:
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
