Codependency
Codependent relationships can often look very stable and loving at first glance. A codependent partner may seem very dedicated to the relationship, sacrificing everything– including their own identity!-- to the service of the relationship. But codependency isn't a healthy attachment. It’s an addiction. And in the end, it often causes the self-destruction of the relationship itself.
Codependency doesn’t happen in a vacuum, either. It’s another one of these unhealthy coping mechanisms we’ve been talking about; usually caused by some deep attachment wounds from childhood or previous relationships where you weren’t given the kind of emotional connection and validation that you needed. And since it’s not a healthy, intrinsic part of human relationships, it is something we can change and heal.
So first, let’s recognize what codependency looks like. Here’s a quick list of some common signs, but more exhaustive lists are out there on the internet.
People-pleasing
You bend over backwards to make others happy, even at your own expense, struggling to even define your own needs or desires.
Poor boundaries
You struggle to say "no" and feel responsible for your partner’s emotions and actions, even when they are obviously not related to your actions or words.
Low self-esteem
You rely on external validation to feel good about yourself. You are hyper-aware of all your shortcomings and struggle with a balanced view of yourself.
Control issues
You try to control situations, outcomes, and people in order to feel secure.
Inability to make solo decisions
Your partner's input and opinion is absolutely vital for every minor decision in your life; from what to wear or eat, to how you spend your money or manage your career.
The problem is, that this neediness can actually push people away. It can turn into excessive caregiving, a constant fear of being rejected, and an inability to say "no" when you really need to (which eventually leads to burnout and even despair!). These behaviors might seem helpful at first, but they ultimately create unhealthy dynamics in all kinds of relationships – friendships and even families, not just romantic partners.
Think about it: When you prioritize your own needs and develop a strong sense of self-worth, you become more emotionally independent. You learn to set healthy boundaries, communicate openly, and build relationships based on mutual respect and trust. This doesn't mean you stop needing or caring for others – it just means you do it from a place of strength and not desperation.
I know this might sound daunting, but remember, you're not alone in this. Millions of people struggle with codependency, and there's a whole community out there cheering you on. Here are some actionable steps to get you started:
Educate yourself
Read books, articles, and blogs on codependency. I recommend checking out the Gottman Institute’s blogs on this topic. The more you know, the better equipped you'll be to recognize these patterns in your own life and establish better habits, instead.
Practice self-care
This isn't just bubble baths and face masks (although those can be helpful!). Prioritize healthy habits like sleep, exercise, and eating nutritious foods. Take time for activities and hobbies you enjoy, even if it's just 10 minutes a day. This will help build your inner strength and resilience, and help you maintain a firm sense of your own identity.
Start setting boundaries
This can feel scary at first, but it's essential. Learn to say "no" when you're overwhelmed, and don't be afraid to walk away from situations that drain your energy. Remember, healthy relationships respect your boundaries; it’s part of the way we care for each other.
Seek professional help
A therapist can be an invaluable guide on your journey to healing. We can help you develop coping mechanisms, build healthy communication skills, and cultivate a stronger sense of self. ️
Remember, you're not alone in this! Many people struggle with codependency, but there's hope. With the right tools and support, you can break free from these patterns and build fulfilling relationships, based on a strong self-identity and autonomy.
If you're ready to start your healing journey, reach out! I offer individual therapy and couples counseling based on the Gottman Method. Let's work together to create a life filled with healthy, supportive connections.
Here are some resources to get you started:
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
