Let’s Ditch the Control Freak Label and Heal Your Trauma, Instead
Control Freak. Yikes. That’s a harsh term. Have you ever had that label slapped on you? If you have, you’re not the only one… A lot of high-achieving men and women get accused of being overly controlling, simply because they are in charge, organized and driven individuals. Just because you are IN control; that doesn’t make you a Control Freak. You have my permission as a therapist to reject that label!
But… there is actually a problematic desire for control that can be a result of unresolved trauma. It often goes hand in hand with its sidekick: People Pleasing. If you are actually struggling on a hamster wheel of anxiety, stress, high expectations, and the sense that everything is OUT of control, then lean in. This blog post is for you.
The origin of this high-octane duo of perfectionism and people-pleasing is often in a history of relationship chaos. Whether as a child or a younger adult, you may have experienced relationships that were marked by high emotions, broken trust, unpredictability, emotional and possibly even physical violence. Whatever the specifics of your past, you are left with a very real felt need to stay in control in order to stay safe. You may have also learned that keeping that one person (or those people) happy at all times is another important part of staying safe. Your safety may have depended on your performance.
The pressure of being in a relationship (or a childhood) where your safety depended on your ability to navigate volatile physical and emotional conditions is exhausting and the effects can last a lifetime, if not addressed and intentionally healed. Chronic stress, anxiety, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy can become our constant companions. We might isolate ourselves, fearing judgment, and ultimately, miss out on life's beautiful messy moments.
Here's the deal: this quest for control and perfection is a recipe for burnout. It becomes a Sisyphean task, pushing a boulder uphill only for it to roll back down again. We become consumed by the need for external validation, constantly seeking approval from others in the hope of feeling safe and secure. But real security comes from within, not from the approval of others. And you can be safe in your own sense of self, even in the midst of this less-than-under-control life we’re all living.
Breaking Free: Self-Compassion is the Key
So, how do we break free from this cycle? The answer lies in self-compassion and self-acceptance. Remember, you're not a robot programmed for flawlessness. You're a human being, and mistakes are inevitable, and often truly beautiful. Here are a few things to think about to get you started on the road to changing your beliefs about control:
Challenge Unrealistic Ideals: We all have internal narratives about ourselves: our abilities, our responsibilities, and our performance. Often, after this type of trauma, these narratives can be harsh and critical. Challenge your inner thoughts! Ask yourself, "Is this helpful, kind, or even realistic?"
Set Realistic Expectations: Ditch the all-or-nothing mentality. Instead, set goals that are achievable and celebrate your progress along the way. Take time to appreciate every single accomplishment.
Embrace Your Intrinsic Worth: Your value doesn't depend on external validation. You are worthy of love and happiness just as you are. Remind yourself every day that you deserve, love, happiness, rest, support, and encouragement. Make time to give yourself those things.
There's no magic bullet here. Building self-compassion takes time and effort. Consider therapy as a valuable resource. A therapist can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms, challenge negative thought patterns, and build a strong foundation of self-worth.
Remember, you're not alone in this. Millions of people struggle with the aftermath of trauma. But the good news is, that healing is possible. By letting go of the need for perfection and embracing self-compassion, you can step into a life filled with authenticity, resilience, and healthy relationships.
Here are some resources to get you started:
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
