How can Connecting through our Parts heal our relationships?
Harnessing Internal Family Systems (IFS) for Healthy Connection in Couples Therapy
In the world of couples & family therapy, fostering emotional intimacy and healing relational wounds requires an approach that honors the complexity of the human psyche. One of my most applied modal has been the powerful modality is Internal Family Systems (IFS) initially started by Dr. Richard Schwartz, an evidence-based framework that helps individuals explore their internal landscape and understand how their various "parts" interact. When applied to couples therapy, IFS facilitates deeper self-awareness, emotional regulation, and synergy between partners, ultimately fostering a healthier, more connected relationship.
Understanding Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Dr. Richard Schwartz developed IFS under the foundational belief that the human mind is made up of multiple sub-personalities, or "parts." These parts fall into three main categories:
Exiles – Parts that carry deep-seated wounds from past traumas or emotional injuries. They often hold pain, fear, or shame and are buried to prevent overwhelming distress.
Managers – Parts that proactively try to control emotions and situations to keep the exiled parts from surfacing. They often manifest as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or hypervigilance.
Firefighters – Parts that react impulsively when exiles are triggered, engaging in protective behaviors such as anger, withdrawal, substance use, or numbing to alleviate distress quickly.
At the core of IFS modality is embodying the true Self—a wise, compassionate, and unshakable inner Self- leader that, when accessed, can guide the parts into harmony.
This Core Self Embodies the 9 C’s that I absolutely adore focusing on in the therapeutic process as its helpful to navigate our parts more effectively when we strive for these 9!
Confidence: Believing in yourself and your ability to handle challenges no matter what comes up.
Calmness: Feeling centered and peaceful, even when things are difficult internally and externally.
Creativity: Finding new ways to meet needs and heal, evolving, adapting, synergizing with others without losing their Core Self.
Clarity: Having a clear picture of who you are and what you want so you can communicate and operate appropriately.
Curiosity: Being open-minded and wanting to understand things instead of being closed off and judgemental. Open and loving is the best way to connect towards learning and establishing a better process.
Courage: Being brave enough to face your fears and explore your feelings instead of dissociate with the firefighter & manager parts. Pausing and reflecting and being able to enthusiastically receive feedback in a desire to grow.
Compassion: Being kind and understanding, especially to your own feelings of hurt or sadness which requires your awareness and nurturance towards self, first.
Connectedness: Feeling connected to others is being able to remain in the parts and not being yoked together, or distant and unattuned.
The 9th C is CHOICE. What we don’t realize, every moment is a choice to go inwards to connect with Self first and make a choice that is right for us. When we are not merged in these parts or
How IFS Enhances Connection in Couples Therapy
Relationships often suffer when parts take over interactions, leading to cycles of blame, withdrawal, and emotional dysregulation. Couples may unconsciously activate each other's wounded exiles, triggering managers and firefighters to take defensive action. By integrating IFS into couples therapy, partners can:
Cultivate Self-Leadership – When individuals operate from the Self rather than reactive parts, they communicate with more clarity, empathy, and patience. Studies on IFS have shown that increasing Self-energy leads to better emotional regulation and reduced reactivity in relationships (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2019).
Recognize and Unburden Wounded Parts – By compassionately acknowledging exiled parts, partners can reduce emotional reactivity. Research suggests that IFS fosters neural integration and emotional healing, which improves relational satisfaction and decreases conflict (Schwartz, 2021).
Foster Secure Attachment – IFS helps couples understand that defensive reactions (firefighters and managers) are not personal attacks but protective strategies formed from past wounds. This perspective shifts interactions from blame to understanding, strengthening emotional safety and deepening connection (Jordan, 2022).
Improve Conflict Resolution – When couples recognize which parts are active during arguments, they can pause, check in with their inner system, and respond from the Self rather than react from a triggered part. This results in more productive and compassionate conversations.
Promote Synergy in the Relationship – Instead of operating in opposition, couples learn to harmonize their internal worlds. As partners cultivate Self-leadership, they create a relational dynamic that supports mutual healing and growth.
Evidence-Based Outcomes of IFS in Couples Therapy
Numerous studies have validated IFS as an effective therapeutic intervention. Research highlights include:
A 2021 study found that couples using IFS demonstrated increased emotional resilience, improved intimacy, and enhanced ability to repair relational ruptures (Schwartz, 2021).
Brain imaging studies suggest that IFS therapy promotes greater integration in neural pathways associated with emotional regulation and interpersonal bonding (Lanius et al., 2020).
Clinical applications of IFS in couples work have shown decreased relational distress, higher levels of satisfaction, and stronger attachment bonds (Jordan, 2022).
Bringing IFS into Your Relationship
Couples interested in applying IFS principles can start by:
Identifying Their Parts – Each partner can reflect on their managers, firefighters, and exiles and observe how these parts influence their interactions.
Practicing Self-Leadership – Taking mindful pauses before responding in conflict can help activate the Self, fostering a more compassionate approach to disagreements.
Using "I" Statements – Expressing emotions from a place of self-awareness, such as "A part of me feels hurt when…" instead of blaming statements, encourages constructive dialogue.
Seeking IFS-Informed Therapy – Working with a therapist trained in IFS can provide guidance in navigating inner dynamics and strengthening the relational bond.
Final Thoughts
IFS offers couples a transformative lens through which to understand themselves and their partner, reducing reactivity and fostering deeper intimacy. By engaging in Self-leadership and recognizing the roles of various parts, couples can cultivate a synergistic relationship built on empathy, trust, and emotional safety. As more research supports its effectiveness, IFS continues to be a game-changer in the realm of couples therapy, offering a path to sustainable relational healing. Additionally, the image on this blog post was created by the most talented Alexander Milov who I absolutely thinks embodies the importance of embracing the core self so you can engage with others well.
